i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
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My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Somewhere in an alternate universe
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense