Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
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*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.