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Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.