*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
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I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.