People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
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I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
why isn’t he texting back
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”