I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
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fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.