“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
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I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind