i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
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Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
so i’m at the stock market right
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon