Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Best seat on the street 😍
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.