I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Breaking news:
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Fight
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.