[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
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*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Introverted vegans go meetless
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.