A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
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spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
North and South
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.