[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
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The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
*pronounces fake like saké*
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
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You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl