I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
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date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.