The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
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shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
fixed it
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.