If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
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I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*