Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
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No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
He just like my cat fr
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.