Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
You Might Also Like
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Did I do this right
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.