Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
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The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.