[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
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Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Just got to our Airbnb!
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.