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My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)