Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
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*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
The two types of wives
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”