Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
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“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.