One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
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If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe