Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
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This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
they split up moments later
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
6: are snakes just neck?
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed