Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…๐๐๐ถ
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If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
My son texted me that heโd forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if Iโd email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but donโt think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Best goalkeeper.. ๐
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kidsโ half-finished drinks.
starting an onlyfans but itโs just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uhโfailure
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
There werenโt any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled โChad, you left your Jeep lights on!โ and now I can sit wherever I want.
hey i know we havenโt talked since high school but weโre celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
An escape room, but itโs a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and youโre over 40. Good luck!
I would run in my flip flops, but I donโt want you to fall in love with me.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing โImagineโ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Iโve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest Iโve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said โyo, whereโd you get your mic, Radio Shack?โ
sir, my pรขtรฉ if you please
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, โIโm pissed off with traffic jams so Iโm gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.โ
โฆAnd those that say โIโm elegant, civilized, and artistic.โ
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.