if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
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Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.