What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
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911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Bread puns are on the rise!
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs