i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
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i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I would move hell over six inches for you
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I put the hot in psychotic.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff