My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
You Might Also Like
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.