I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
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Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.