Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
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A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
When news reporters do sports stories
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂