The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?