Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
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This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣