Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
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Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.