Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
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Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*