I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
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An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.