Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
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“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.