longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
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me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
we’re gonna need another temp
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”