I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
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Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
😂🤣😂🤣
Oh my god
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.