My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
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In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
What a year we’ve had this week.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news