“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
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If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
<- sleeps well with others
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.