[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
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shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
quarantine day 3
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy