First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
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Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Living the best life.. 😊
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Always.
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I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
mom gave me mine for free