*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
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Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
bout dat hot dog summer
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.