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My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps