People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
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When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.