suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
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Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
Godspeed, John Glenn
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture