Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
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And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I put the mess in domestic.
Livid.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake