lmao
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*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Seems a bit forward
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.